


I Need Your Help

by Mrs_Moony



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Canon Universe, F/M, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Memory Loss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-19
Updated: 2020-01-19
Packaged: 2021-02-27 04:35:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22321183
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mrs_Moony/pseuds/Mrs_Moony
Summary: When Jace appeared at his door, asking Magnus for help, he didn't know what to expect. And when Jace asked him to remove his memories of Clary, all he could see was himself in his position.
Relationships: Clary Fray/Jace Wayland, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 4
Kudos: 90





	I Need Your Help

**Author's Note:**

> Takes place a few weeks before the series finale.

“I need your help, Magnus. And you can't tell Alec.”

Jace looked unusually small. That's the first thing Magnus noticed when the man stepped through the portal and into his living room. Just a few minutes prior, he had received a fire message. 

_Hey Magnus, it's Jace. I need to talk to you, alone, in person. I'm outside the Institute._

He didn't think twice before creating the portal for him, thinking that it would be faster and more efficient than bothering with a reply. 

And now he was standing there, shoulders slumped, avoiding his eyes as he asked for help, straining his voice not to let the emotions seep through. Magnus saw right through him. 

“Jace,” Magnus says carefully, taking a step towards the man. “Why don't you sit down? Then you can tell me what this is about. Can I get you a drink?” 

“I… yeah, thanks. I'll have whatever.” 

“Alright. Take a seat then.” He tried to offer a supportive smile, but Jace wasn't paying any attention to him. Magnus was worried, it was unusual to see the Shadowhunter in such a state of distress. He wished Alec was there to help him deal with this, but it was obvious that Jace made sure to avoid exactly that. 

“Here you go,” he said, handing Jace the glass before sliding into a seat across from him, “it's whiskey. Seems like you could use something strong.” 

“Thanks.” Jace took the glass, but he didn't drink. He stared at the rim for a second before finally looking up at Magnus, who was surprised to see tears welled up in eyes. He felt a pang in his chest, felt the need to reach out, to comfort, but he chose to stay still and listen.

“I need your help. I can't do this anymore,” Jace said at least, shaking his head and blinking back the tears before they had a chance to spill. “I've tried, you know, I've tried so hard to let her go, I've gone on mission after mission to keep myself busy, but when there's nothing else to do, to keep me occupied, the pain just fucking hits me and I _can't…_ I can't sleep. I can't go on like this.” 

_Clary,_ Magnus thought, his own face scrunching up in pain. Jace had taken the blow the hardest, of course he had. Magnus knew just how much he was hurting simply by watching Alec grow more and more worried because he could feel what Jace felt. He could feel the loss and the grief and the pain, and it was suffocating him. 

“I'm sorry, Jace. Believe me, I know how hard this is for you. But you're not alone. You are going to make it through this, and there's a lot of people ready to help you whenever you need it.” 

Jace let out a breath through his nose as he shook his head again, knocking the drink back immediately after. “They can't help me,” he said, and then, before Magnus could protest, he added, “not in the way you can.”

“What do you mean, exactly?” Magnus thought he had an idea – something to help deal with the pain, a distraction perhaps. He wouldn't recommend it, but he understood the hardships of heartbreak and the need to soothe it. He understood all too well for that matter.

“I need you to make me forget about her. Everything. I need… I need it all gone.” 

For a moment, they just sat there. Centuries of experience made it easier for Magnus to keep his face neutral, but just under the surface, he was spiraling. It had been months, but it was all too easy for him to remember how it felt when he couldn't handle living inside his own head – when every thought, every memory was tainted with pain, where each second of each day was like re-living the nightmare of losing Alec over and over again because there was nothing that didn't remind him of him. 

It was torture, one he couldn't escape, and the only way to make it stop…

“Magnus?” 

Jace's voice took him out of his trance, only to be faced with pure desperation on the young man's face. Another few seconds passed before he spoke. 

“Jace.” His voice, even softer than usual, already sounded apologetic. And Jace noticed. The flash of hurt and hopelessness that washed over his features before he had a chance to hide it almost made Magnus change his mind. Almost. “I want to help you,” he said, “but this… it's not a solution.” 

“Why not?” Jace asked, swallowing. “It's not like she's coming back. I'm no good to anyone like this,” he gestured at himself vaguely, “I'm no good as a Shadowhunter if I can't think straight, and trust me, it's not getting any easier. That's what people say, right? That it'll get easier with time? It _won't._ ”

“I understand,” he started, but Jace cut him off. “No, you don't.” The hopeless acceptance was getting replaced by anger, and it broke Magnus' heart because he _did_ understand. 

“Everyone thinks they do, but they can't. It's not like she died – she's still out there, _fuck_ , she could be walking down this very street right now! If she could bump into me on the street, she'd look up and say sorry and just keep walking. When I go to her art shows, she looks right through me. Like I'm not even there.” 

Jace was pacing the room now, his movements jerky and unstable. Magnus thought about casting a calming spell, but he also thought this was the first time Jace had let himself feel this pain, unable to do so in front of the people who had been depending on him for so long, who had looked up to him all their lives. He didn't cast the spell, but he had to do _something._

“You're right, I don't know what that's like. Truth is, it pains me even to imagine.” He could tell that Jace was expecting more, some sort of encouragement. _You'll get through this, it just takes time._ Magnus didn't offer it. “I've lost people before. People that I loved, some of them for decades. But that's something you can expect as an immortal. Other people die, they get old, they move on. What the angels did to Clary – there's nothing expected about that. Nothing you can just accept and deal with. They took her memories, but they also took a part of her life, the future she could have had. And she doesn't even get to mourn that loss, because she doesn't _know_. And you, you feel stuck. I may not understand completely, but I know the pain of wanting to forget in order to heal. It doesn't work that way.” 

Magnus took a tentative step towards Jace and, when he didn't recoil from his touch, laid a hand on his slumped shoulder. There was no magic in his touch, not really, but he tried to put _something_ into the simple act; not reassurance, but acknowledgment. He wanted Jace to know he saw his pain.

“The worst part,” Jace muttered, his voice raw and weak, “is that I know she's happy. She never wanted this life, she wanted more. And yeah, her mom is still dead, and she doesn't really have Simon or Luke now, either, but she has the life she's always dreamed of having. She gets to go to school and make art and she doesn't have to fight to stay alive every day. She's happy, but I'd still give anything to get her back. Even if… if it meant her having to give that all up. There's no excuse for that,” he shook his head, avoiding Magnus' eyes, “it's despicable. It's _selfish_.” 

“Maybe it is,” Magnus said, “maybe not. You assume that she's happy, and perhaps she is, but only because she's in oblivion now. I have no doubt that if the choice was hers, she wouldn't have abandoned this world, or you. I believe that she would choose this life, over and over again, if she was able to.” 

“But she's not. Like you said, I'm stuck. Thinking about it, about what could have been… how is that gonna help?”

Magnus had no answer to that. 

“I know it's a lot to ask,” Jace said, “but I feel like I don't have a choice. I can't live like this. I won't. If this doesn't work then I will…” He didn't need to finish. Thoughts were swirling in Magnus' mind, he wished he knew what to do, but he was coming up short. Jace was right, there was no solution. Except for the one Magnus was refusing to give him. 

_Why not?_ He thought. Back when he was considering the very same choice, it was Asmodeus who stopped him, only because it stood in the way of his plans. If he had done it, if Alec had truly meant what he said when he broke up with him, would it have been so bad? Not knowing? Not remembering?

 _Yes_ , a small voice in his mind said, _yes it would have_. He'd no longer be the same person – Alec made him _better,_ in all aspects. 

“Loving Clary and having her in your life, it changed you,” he said at last, ignoring the twitch on Jace's face when he said her name. “I haven't known you for a long time, but even I could see it. And I know that Alec noticed it as well. He said you used to only care about the hunt, but you've grown so much in the last few months – and not just because of Clary, though she was a big part of it. By forgetting her, you'd lose all that as well. You'd lose the things that happened in your life because of her, lose the experiences and memories that she was a part of. You'd lose a part of your life, just like her.”

“Even more reason to do it! It wasn't just her breaking the laws – I was using my ability just as much as she was, but since the angels only deemed _her_ actions as wrong, I got away with it. If I have to give up a part of my life, same as she, it's only fair.” Jace's posture changed. He stood up straight, arms by his sides, his jaw clenched and eyes piercing holes into Magnus' own. He was so sure… And Magnus had never felt so torn in his life. 

“I want this,” Jace said with conviction, “please. I want this.” 

Magnus knew what that felt like. He thought back to the night he came to Zachariah with that same wish, feeling more certain than he had ever felt in his life. It wasn't even a decision he had to make – the pain was just too great. 

He also thought about what Zachariah had said to him.

_“You have the power to this on your own. You simply don't have the heart.”_

And idea struck him. 

Before speaking, he conjured himself a martini, ignoring the slight irritation in Jace's stare at his stalling. Having had a few sips, he put the glass down and faced him. 

“I can give you the power to remove your memories,” he said, seeing the relief wash over Jace's face, “but I will not do it myself. I know a spell that will allow you to perform the extraction. I will tell you exactly what you need to do, but you will be on your own. Because despite what you may think now, how certain you may believe you are…”

“I _am_ certain,” Jace pleaded once more. “I can't do it on my own.”

“Yes you can,” he replied. “But will you?” 

Jace looked like he might break something. Or break down completely. “If this was you,” he said through his teeth, “if it was Alec not remembering you. If you had to live, knowing he's still here, but that he'll only ever look at you as a stranger, tell me. Wouldn't you do it?”

Images flashed before Magnus' eyes, of the reality Jace was describing, and his stomach churned at the thought. 

“I would be tempted to,” he said, “but I don't think I would try, not again.” The confusion in Jace's eyes prompted him to continue. “I was close to doing it once. When I lost my magic… And Alec broke up with me in order to restore it. I didn't know about the deal he had made with Asmodeus, and what he said that night, it broke me. Being with him changed me more than I had thought possible. I heard Alec say that Nephilim only love once – that you only ever get one shot at this. I've loved many people over the course of my life, but I know for a fact that I've never loved anyone like _this_. I knew it then, as well. Being able to love him, and to have him love me back, it made me better, made me grow and learn so much. I knew that if I loved again, it would never even come close.” 

He swallowed the lump in his throat, trying to shake the thoughts of having to move on after Alec. There was no after, not for Magnus, not anymore. “Wherever I looked, I saw his face. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't think. He may not have forgotten me, but I thought he chose to leave, to move on. I knew I couldn't. So I went to a friend of mine, and asked him to take my memories,” he said, ignoring the tears gathering in his own eyes. 

“He wouldn't do it?” Jace asked softly.

Magnus shook his head. “No. He told me something I didn't want to hear. He told me that I had the power to remove my memories of Alec, but that I wanted someone else to do it, to make that choice for me, because I knew deep in my soul that I would regret it.” 

“I had no idea,” Jace said. “Does Alec know?” It seemed like the story distracted him from his own thoughts, and though Magnus knew it was short-lived, he was grateful. 

“He does not. After we reunited, I was so happy… I didn't want to reopen that wound.”

Jace nodded in understanding. At some point, they had both moved to the couch. It seemed like most of the energy and the tension in Jace's body had disappeared. He was looking at nothing in particular. 

“Did you try to do it yourself?”

“I did,” Magnus said, instinctively touching his fingers to his scalp. “It was excruciating. I had to re-live every memory. I had them pulled up in front of me, re-playing, and it was only the hurt and the pain that made me look away and blast my magic at them.”

“My father stopped me,” he said. “Later I found out that it was for selfish reasons, of course, but his words did stop me from going through with it. He said that the pain was there for a reason. By living through it, letting myself actually feel it, I would come out of it stronger. I would learn.” He scoffed at that. “I don't doubt that what he meant to say was, I would never let myself love again, never succumb to that _weakness_ , as he'd call it, but even then, I think I understood it differently. I may not have had Alec anymore, but I still had the moments we shared, the memories, the experiences. It was more painful than I could possibly handle, but if I removed them, I would lose him for good. I would lose everything.”

“I don't think I can do this,” Jace said, letting his head hit the back of the couch. He seemed resigned. Like there was no more fight in him. Jace used to be all fight. “I don't think I can erase her like that. But I don't think I can go on like this, either.” He closed his eyes. His breathing was so shallow, Magnus thought, that it almost looked like he was dead. The deep dark circles under his eyes, the disheveled state of his clothes that he only now noticed, those didn't help. 

“You will.” Magnus didn't need to will his voice to sound sure. Even with the state Jace was in, he was sure that he could do this. “I know it is impossible, but you will make it anyway. It's going to hurt, for a long time, and it may not get easier, but you will pull through this. And you will never be alone. If being at the Institute is too much, if the memories are too strong there, you are more than welcome to move here.”

Something akin to a smile appeared on Jace's face. “I wouldn't do that to you again. I'm a shitty guest.” 

“True,” he said, only half-jokingly, “but I don't care. You will always have a place here, or wherever Alec and I are. You will never be alone. And when it gets too hard, too impossible, you will come here, or to Izzy, or to your mom, and you will tell us. It may not get easier, but it will get bearable. You don't have to do this on your own.” 

Jace said nothing at first, just kept looking at a point just above Magnus' shoulder. There was a war of emotions on his face, too subtle for most to notice, but Magnus had seen that expression on Alec a million times before. They may not look the part, but there was no doubt they were brothers in all the ways that mattered. 

Only a few more seconds passed, when Jace looked at him properly. “Thank you,” he said, and Magnus knew that he had decided. “I was so lost. I still am, I think. But I don't want to lose her completely. I know that there is no real chance that she will remember, but if she does… If there is even the smallest chance… I don't think I'd ever forgive myself if I did it. I don't think she would either.” Magnus' relief faltered, because hope could be even more dangerous to Jace than hopelessness. But then, Jace continued. “And if she never remembers, if the memories are all I'll ever get… I still don't want to lose them. So thank you, for everything. For not letting me do this. For caring.”

“Of course I care, Jace,” he said, offering the man a small smile, “and not just because Alec does. You're my family now, too, and I am here for you. We all are.” 

“I know,” Jace said. Magnus could tell he meant it. 

He glanced at the clock, shocked at the amount of time that had passed. “Alec will be home shortly,” he said, “he's usually back before six.”

“I should go,” Jace said, already getting up, but Magnus held up a hand. “Or,” he said, “you could stay. I was going to conjure a delicious dinner. We'll be more than happy if you stayed.” _However long you need_ , he wanted to add, but he didn't want to scare him away. 

Jace was just standing there, half-turned towards the door, but in the end, he nodded his head once again and sat back down with an exhale. “I guess I should talk to him, anyway. I've always been shit at blocking the bond, and I've been avoiding him long enough.” 

Magnus conjured some tea for Jace and made his way to the kitchen to prepare the dinner. He was a bit of a wreck still but magic always managed to calm him down. That, and Alexander. He couldn't wait to have his husband's arms around him, his scent invading his nostrils. His reassurance. 

The painful memories that had resurfaced were still there, at the edge of Magnus' mind, taunting him, but he also knew they were just that, memories. Magnus had woken up from the nightmare, but Jace was living it. He hoped he hadn't made it worse, that he did the right thing by talking Jace out of it. He hoped that what he said, about him getting through it, would turn out true. 

It was only moments later that his wards recognized Alec's presence. He made his way back to Jace, who hadn't touched the tea, but was slumped against the back of the couch, snoring slightly. Even in slumber, his face was contorted and tense.

When Alec walked in, he gestured at Jace's sleeping form, and then at the kitchen. He couldn't help the sense of calm that washed over him when Alec was finally within his reach. Before his husband could even voice the question, Magnus closed the distance between them and held him tight, letting his head fall into the crook of Alec's neck and sighing into the embrace when Alec hugged him back. 

“Are you okay?” Alec asked, not moving away just yet. Magnus pulled away slightly, so that he could look his husband in the eyes. “I am now.” He leant in and kissed Alec lightly before putting a little more distance between them. “Jace came here a few hours ago. I told him he should stay for dinner. Or longer.”

Understanding flashed across Alec's face. “I'll talk to him.” 

“You should eat something first… and so should he. I don't think he has been eating much at all to be honest.”

Alec agreed, and while he went to take a quick shower and put on some fresh clothes, Magnus finished up the dinner and went to wake Jace up. 

The dinner wasn't tense at all, against Magnus' expectations. They all slipped into a comfortable conversation, mostly about Alec's job, since that was the easiest topic. But once they were all done eating, Alec got up to show Jace the room he would be staying in. 

The fact that Jace didn't even protest spoke volumes. When the two left, Magnus took care of the mess with a flick of his hand and busied himself with work in his office. He only managed to stay alert for about two hours when the exhaustion started kicking in. He knew the two must still be talking, so he decided to take a shower and go to bed early, hoping the warm water would make him relax. 

Once he was in their bed though, the memories were back, and the empty bed wasn't helping him chase them away. Magnus considered spelling himself to sleep, but he knew that would only result in nightmares. Sighing, he rolled himself onto Alec's side of the bed, burying his face in the other's pillow, and finally falling asleep. 

When he woke up hours later, Alec was pressing a kiss onto the nape of his neck. Magnus pressed himself close to him, letting himself be enveloped by the warmth.

“I love you,” he mumbled, still hazy from the sleep. 

“I love you too,” Alec whispered against his skin. “Thank you. For Jace. Thank you.” 

They fell asleep like that, holding each other close. 

Jace was still there the next morning. He didn't necessarily look better, but it seemed like his shoulders carried a bit less weight. 

It didn't get easier, not really, but he was still there, still pushing ahead. And he wasn't alone. Neither of them was. 


End file.
